Black Is the Body Page 3

  During a hearing at Superior Court in Waterbury, Silva, now 53, apologized to the stabbing victims and said he was not in a rational “state of mind” on that day in August 1994. Senior Assistant State’s Attorney Gary Nicholson told Judge Richard Damiani that the state recommended the plea arrangement, which includes five years of probation and a list of conditions, because Silva has been confined at Connecticut Valley Hospital since the assaults and arson.

  Nicholson noted Silva had been repeatedly ruled incompetent to stand trial for the assaults. Those first-degree assault charges were dismissed in 2000 because, under state law, a defendant facing such charges must be restored to competency within five years. No such limitation applies to first-degree arson. Last month, Silva was ruled competent to stand trial on the arson charges, based on testimony from an assistant clinical professor at Yale School of Medicine who interviewed him…

  Silva, dressed in a coat and tie, is bearded and balding. He rose and told Damiani, “I apologize to the court and to the people that were hurt. I never meant to do what I did. If I hadn’t been in that state of mind, it never would have occurred.”

  —New Haven Register, September 9, 2009

  Yes, Renee. It’s me.

  Teaching the N-Word

  Once riding in old Baltimore,

  Heart-filled, head-filled with glee,

  I saw a Baltimorean

  Keep looking straight at me.

  Now I was eight and very small,

  And he was no whit bigger,

  And so I smiled, but he poked out

  His tongue, and called me, “Nigger.”

  I saw the whole of Baltimore

  From May until December;

  Of all the things that happened there

  That’s all that I remember.

  —COUNTEE CULLEN, “Incident” (1925)

  OCTOBER 2004

  Eric is crazy about queer theory. I think it is safe to say that Eve Sedgwick, Judith Butler, and Lee Edelman have changed his life. Every week, he comes to my office to report on the connections he is making between the works of these writers and the books he is reading for the class he is taking with me, African American Autobiography.

  I like Eric. So tonight, even though it is well after six and I am eager to go home, I keep our conversation going. I ask him what he thinks about the word “queer,” whether or not he believes, independent of the theorists he admires, that epithets can ever really be reclaimed and reinvented.

  “ ‘Queer’ has important connotations for me,” he says. “It’s daring, political. I embrace it.” He folds his arms across his chest and then unfolds them.

  I am suspicious.

  “What about ‘nigger’?” I ask. “If we’re talking about the importance of transforming hateful language, what about that word?” From my bookshelf, I pull down Randall Kennedy’s book Nigger: The Strange Career of a Troublesome Word and turn it back so its cover faces Eric. “Nigger,” in stark white type against a black background, is staring at him, staring at anyone who happens to be walking past the open door behind him.

  Over the next thirty minutes or so, Eric and I talk about “nigger.” He is uncomfortable; every time he says “nigger,” he drops his voice and does not meet my eyes. I know that he does not want to say the word; he is following my lead. He does not want to say it because he is white; he does not want to say it because I am black. I feel my power as his professor, the mentor he has so ardently adopted. I feel the power of Randall Kennedy’s book in my hands, its title crude and unambiguous. Say it, we both instruct this white student. And he does.

  It is late. No one moves through the hallway. I think about my colleagues, some of whom still sit at their own desks. At any minute, they might pass my office on their way out of the building. What would they make of this scene? Most of my colleagues are white. What would I think if I walked by an office and saw one of them holding up Nigger to a white student’s face? A black student’s face?

  “I think I am going to add ‘Who Can Say “Nigger”?’ to our reading for next week,” I say to Eric. “It’s an article by Kennedy that covers some of the ideas in this book.” I tap Nigger with my finger and then put it down on my desk.

  “I really wish there was a black student in our class,” Eric says, as he gathers his books to leave.

  * * *

  —

  As usual, I have assigned way too much reading. Even though we begin class discussion with references to the three essays required for today, our conversation drifts quickly to “Who Can Say ‘Nigger’?” and plants itself there. We talk about the word, who can say it, who won’t say it, who wants to say it, and why. There are eleven students in the class. All of them are white.

  Our class discussion is lively and intense; everyone seems impatient to speak. We talk about language, history, and identity. Most students say “the n-word” instead of “nigger.” Only one or two students actually use the word in their comments. When they do, they use the phrase “the word ‘nigger,’ ” as if to cushion it. Sometimes they make quotation marks with their fingers. I notice Lauren looking around. Finally she raises her hand.

  “I have a question; it’s somewhat personal. I don’t want to put you on the spot.”

  “Go ahead, Lauren,” I say with relief.

  “Okay, so how does it feel for you to hear us say that word?”

  I have an answer ready.

  “I don’t enjoy hearing it. But I don’t think that I feel more offended by it than you do. What I mean is, I don’t think I have a special place of pain inside of me that the word touches because I am black.” We are both human beings, I am trying to say. She nods her head, seemingly satisfied. Even inspired, I hope.

  I am lying, of course.

  I am grateful to Lauren for acknowledging my humanity in our discussion. But I do not want me—my feelings, my experiences, my humanity—to become the center of classroom discussion. Here at the University of Vermont, I routinely teach classrooms full of white students. I want to educate them, transform them. I want to teach them things about race they will never forget. To achieve this, I believe I must give of myself. I want to give to them—but I want to keep much of myself to myself. How much? I have a new answer to this question every week.

  * * *

  —

  I always give my students a lecture at the beginning of every African American studies course I teach. I tell them, in essence, not to confuse my body with the body of the book. I tell them that while it would be disingenuous for me to suggest that my own racial identity has nothing to do with my love for African American literature, my race is only one of the many reasons why I stand before them. “I stand here,” I say, “because I have a PhD, just like all your other professors.” I make sure to tell them that my PhD, like my BA, comes from Yale.

  “In order to get this PhD,” I continue, “I studied with some of this country’s foremost authorities on African American literature, and a significant number of these people are white.

  “I say this to suggest that if you fail to fully appreciate this material, it is a matter of your intellectual laziness, not your race. If you cannot grasp the significance of Frederick Douglass’s plight, for instance, you are not trying hard enough, and I will not accept that.”

  I have another part of this lecture. It goes: “Conversely, this material is not the exclusive property of students of color. This is literature. While these books will speak to us emotionally according to our different experiences, none of us is especially equipped to appreciate the intellectual and aesthetic complexities that characterize African American literature. This is American literature, American experience, after all.”

  Sometimes I give this part of my lecture, but not always. Sometimes I give it and then regret it later.

  * * *

  —<
br />
  As soon as Lauren asks me how I feel, it is as if the walls of the room soften and collapse slightly, nudging us a little bit closer together. Suddenly, eleven pairs of eyes are beaming sweet messages at me. I want to laugh. I do. “Look at you all, leaning in,” I say. “How close we have all become.”

  I sit at the end of a long narrow table. Lauren usually sits at the other end. The rest of the students flank us on either side. When I make my joke, a few students, all straight men, I notice, abruptly pull themselves back. They shift their eyes away from me, looking instead at their notebooks, the table. I have made them ashamed to show that they care about me, I realize. They are following the cues I have been giving them since the beginning of the semester, cues that they should take this class seriously, that I will be offended if they do not. “African American studies has had to struggle to exist at all,” I have said. “You owe it your respect.” Don’t be too familiar, is what I am really saying. Don’t be too familiar with me.

  Immediately, I regret having made a joke of their sincere attempt to offer me their care. They want to know me; they see this moment as an opportunity. But I can’t stop. I make more jokes, mostly about them, and what they are saying and not saying. I can’t seem to help myself.

  Eric, who is sitting near me, does not recoil at my jokes; he does not respond to my not-so-subtle efforts to push him and everyone else back. He continues to lean in, his torso flat against the table. He looks at me. He raises his hand.

  “Emily,” he says, “would you tell them what you told me the other day in your office? You were talking about how you dress and what it means to you.”

  “Yes,” I begin slowly. “I was telling Eric about how important it is to me that I come to class dressed up.”

  “And remember what you said about Todd? You said that Todd exercises his white privilege by dressing so casually for class.”

  Todd is one of my closest friends in the English department. His office is next door to mine. I don’t remember talking about Todd’s clothing habits with Eric, but I must have. I struggle to come up with a comfortably vague response to stop Eric’s prodding. My face grows hot. Everyone is waiting.

  “Well, I don’t know if I put it exactly like that, but I do believe that Todd’s style of dress reflects his ability to move in the world here—everywhere, really—less self-consciously than I do.” As I sit here, I grow increasingly more alarmed at what I am revealing: my personal philosophies; my attitudes about my friend’s style of dress; my insecurities; my feelings. I quietly will Eric to stop, even as I am impressed by his determination. I meet his eyes again.

  “And you. You were saying that the way you dress, it means something, too,” Eric says. On with this tug of war, I think.

  I relent, let go of the rope. “Listen, I will say this. I am aware that you guys, all of my students at UVM, have very few black professors. I am aware, in fact, that I may be the first black teacher many of you have ever had. And the way I dress for class reflects my awareness of that possibility.” I look sharply at Eric. That’s it. No more.

  SEPTEMBER 2004

  On the first day of class, Nate asks me what I want to be called.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” I say, fussing with equipment in the room. I know. But I feel embarrassed, as if I have been found out. “What do you think?” I ask them.

  They shuffle around, equally embarrassed. We all know that I have to decide, and that whatever I decide will shape our classroom dynamic in very important ways.

  “What does Gennari ask you to call him?” I have inherited several of these students from my husband, John Gennari, another professor of African American studies. He is white.

  “Oh, we call him John,” Nate says with confidence. I am immediately envious of the easy warmth he seems to feel for John. I suspect it has to do with the name thing.

  “Just call me Emily, then. This is an honors class, after all. And I do know several of you already. And then wouldn’t it be strange to call the husband ‘John’ and the wife ‘Professor’?” Okay, I have convinced myself.

  Nate says, “Well, John and I play basketball in a pickup game on Wednesdays. So, you know, it would be weird for me to be checking him and calling him Professor Gennari.”

  We all laugh and move on to other topics. But my mind locks onto an image of my husband and Nate on the basketball court, two white men covered in sweat, body to body, heads down, focused on the ball.

  OCTOBER 2004

  “It’s not that I can’t say it, it’s that I don’t want to. I will not say it,” Sarah says. She wears her copper-red hair in a short, smart style that makes her look older than her years. When she smiles I remember how young she is. She is not smiling now. She looks indignant. She is indignant because I am insinuating that there is a problem with the fact that no one in the class will say “nigger.” Her indignation pleases me.

  Good.

  “I’d just like to remind you all that just because a person refuses to say ‘nigger,’ that doesn’t mean that person is not a racist,” I say. They seem to consider this.

  “And another thing,” Sarah continues. “About dressing for class? I dislike it when my professors come to class in shorts, for instance. This is a profession. They should dress professionally.”

  Later, I tell John about our class discussion. When I get to Sarah’s comment about professors in shorts, he says, “Good for her.”

  * * *

  —

  I hold up Nigger and show its cover to the class. I hand it to the person on my left and gesture for him to pass the book around the room.

  “Isn’t it strange that when we refer to this book, we keep calling it ‘the n-word’?”

  Lauren comments on the effect of one student who actually said it. “Colin looked like he was being strangled.” Of the effect on the other students, she says, “I saw us all collectively cringing.”

  “Would you be able to say it if I weren’t here?” I blurt. A few students shake their heads. Tyler’s hand shoots up. He always sits directly to my right.

  “That’s just bullshit,” he says to the class, and I force myself not to raise an eyebrow at “bullshit.” “If Emily weren’t here, you all would be able to say that word.”

  I note that he himself has not said it, but I do not make this observation out loud.

  “No.” Sarah is firm. “I just don’t want to be the kind of person who says that word, period.”

  “Even in this context?” I ask.

  “Regardless of context,” Sarah says.

  “Even when it’s the title of a book?”

  I tell my students that I often work with a book called Nigger Heaven, written in 1926 by a white man, Carl Van Vechten.

  “Look, I don’t want to give you the impression that I am somehow longing for you guys to say ‘nigger,’ ” I tell them, “but I do think that something is lost when you don’t articulate it, especially if the context demands its articulation.”

  “What do you mean? What exactly is lost?” Sarah insists.

  “I don’t know,” I say. I do know. But right here, in this moment, the last thing I want is to win an argument that winds up with Sarah saying “nigger” out loud.

  * * *

  —

  Throughout our discussion, Nate is the only student who will say “nigger” out loud. He sports a shearling coat and a Caesar haircut. He quotes Jay-Z. He makes a case for “nigga.” He is that kind of white kid; he is down. “He is so down, he’s almost up,” Todd will say in December, when I show him the title page of Nate’s final paper for this class. The page contains one word, “Nigger,” in black type against a white background. It is an autobiographical essay. It is a very good paper.

  OCTOBER 1994

  Nate reminds me of a student in the very first class I taught all on my own, a senior seminar called Race and Representation
. Pulp Fiction had just come out. I spent an entire three-hour class session arguing with my students over the way race was represented in the movie. One student in particular passionately resisted my attempts to analyze the way Tarantino used “nigger” in the film.

  “What is his investment in this word? What is he, as a white director, getting out of saying ‘nigger’ over and over again?” I asked.

  After some protracted verbal arm wrestling, the student gave in.

  “Okay, okay! I want to be the white guy who can say ‘nigger’ to black guys and get away with it. I want to be the cool white guy who can say ‘nigger.’ ”

  “Thank you! Thank you for admitting it!” I said, and everyone laughed.

  He was tall. He wore tie-dyed T-shirts and had messy, curly brown hair. I don’t remember his name.

  * * *

  —

  After Pulp Fiction came out, I wrote my brother James an earnest, academic email. I wanted to “initiate a dialogue” with him about the “cultural and political implications of the various usages of ‘nigger’ in popular culture.”

  His one-sentence reply went something like this: “Nigga, niggoo, niggu, negreaux, negrette, niggrum.”

  “Do you guys ever read The Source magazine?” In 1994 my students knew about The Source; some of them had read James’s monthly column.

  “He’s my brother,” I said, not bothering to mask my pride. “He’s coming to visit class in a couple of weeks, when we discuss hip-hop culture.”

  The eyes of the tie-dyed student glistened.

  “Quentin Tarantino is a cool-ass white boy!” James said on the day he came to visit my class. “He is one cool white boy.”